Cliff Notes on Getting Jerry's Attention

As you can imagine, I sometimes get swamped by emails, text messages and the like from the ladies. While all the attention is appreciated and is a great balm for this grizzeled ol’ vet, there are some things you need to know in order to attract my attention. I’ve put together a little Cliff Notes 101 for you on Getting Jerry’s Attention

I’m not much of a cook, I do not like beer, I like to gamble (ok, actually I hate gambling – it’s winning I enjoy) and play poker, I’m not a cat person, boxing is my favorite sport, Clear is my favorite color. I have no criminal record, no STD’s, I have never been administered involuntary psychotropic medication, I’m generous and kind-hearted, fairly intelligent, somewhat attractive (I’ve been told) and I drink the recommended 8 glasses of water per day. I think that’s just about it in a nutshell! Oh, and I’m addicted to Starbucks.

I also enjoy traveling, reading, trivia and chess.

I am NOT, nor do I anticipate becoming, a NASCAR fan.

Proper use of grammar and spelling is a highly desirable trait. The only thing worse than poor grammar and spelling is if you tYpE LiKe tHiS.

If you have any felony convictions, outstanding warrants, are currently on probation/parole, can’t pass a drug test or you have multiple baby daddy’s… I am NOT loving it.

If you wear turquoise jewelry or we meet for a drink and you order a strawberry daiquiri… yeah, it won’t work for us.

My pet peeve is receiving a message like this:

where people just ramble on about mindless crap complete with speling erors and absolutely no punctuation boy are they fun to read i especially love it when they inexplicably HIT THE CAPS LOCK KEY YOUD THINK THEY MIGHT NOTICE THAT BUT IT DOESNT SLOW THEM DOWN AT ALL

Sorry ladies, but I’m not interested in communicating with some twenty year old college kid… I don’t care how cute you are.

If you are a Master of Brevity, more power to you, but please do not send me a message filled with every acronym you know. Complete sentences are greatly appreciated from time to time. Please do not ask me what an acronym is. Be resourceful… look it up.

I don’t play games and I don’t waste time… I tend to be outspoken, which is NOT the same as unfair or unreasonable… I just voice my opinion. I am an independent thinker. If this is a problem for you, we probably will not be a good match.

To all the people that have the standard, “My friends say I’m blah, blah, blah…” line; do you really ask them what they think or is it just wishful thinking, you HOPE it’s what they would say?

I have very cool friends but, I gotta tell ya, it’s highly unlikely any of them would describe me as kind, compassionate, loving, caring, etc. I am all those things (and they know that) but to be perfectly honest, if you asked my friends to describe me it would be closer to this… “he’s funny, smart, loyal, crazy and sarcastic.”

Maybe your friends are just more polite than mine.

**NO PHOTO, NO RESPONSE** You can upload pics and keep them private, simply attach them to your message – so don’t tell me you’re concerned about privacy and offer to email some later. Photos initially grab your attention, then you MIGHT read more. You know it’s true! Don’t expect me to be any different.

For those that use the excuse they don’t know how to upload photos…bye. I’m not into the technologically challenged.

If the phrase “whoa doggy” is part of your vocabulary, if you think Daisy Duke is a fashion icon or if you list DRINKING as a hobby (and mean it!) I AM NOT THE GUY FOR YOU!

Think about this people… if I didn’t actually experience all these things, I wouldn’t have a negative attitude towards them. It’s not MY fault… I’m just reacting to the behavior of others! Because I’m also kind and generous, I share my experiences with hope of teaching others to not make the same mistakes.

I’m sweet like that.

My idea of a great first date: I’m looking for a lady that has her act together and is open to the possibility of a relationship. LITTLE TIP: If you need space and time to “find yourself” please work on your issues PRIOR to contacting me. I’m not looking to inherit someone else’s problem.

**UPDATE**Some people seem to think I have far too many restrictions in place and it’s “impossible” to meet a lady that matches my criteria… GET REAL! Expecting a decently attractive, decently intelligent, employed lady (with a pulse,) that doesn’t shoot heroin shouldn’t be a problem. If it is, I’ll happily stay single.

~ by Jerry Nelson on May 27, 2012.