Emails — Man do I Get Emails

Just sittin’ at my favorite table in Firestorm. Watching it rain outside while I check my email and enjoy my ever present cup of coffee.

241 emails. That’s what I got today. Some of them were spam – no I don’t want to invest in a South African salt mine. Some were from politicians looking for my support. The only support I want to give them is an assist in cleaning out their offices when we get rid of ’em. I’ve got a new friend from Nigeria though. Apparently her husband died and she trusts me enough to send me their life savings for safe keeping until she can get to the US. Seems like she’s willing to give me half of his $31,000,000.00 estate just for sending her a few thousand dollars so she can flee the country. No thanks, I’ll pass – but thanks for asking.

And many emails from women. Tall ones. Short ones. Thin ones. Ones that aren’t fat – just too short for their weight. All color of eyes: blue, brown, green, bloodshot.

Same with hair. Blonds, brunettes, redheads, dreadlocks and bald. Yah, bald. Seems like one lady feels that she should start the summer each year with a completely shaved head. Sorry – I’m not really into dating someone that puts me in mind of Yul Brynner. Who’s Yul Brynner? Be resourceful and look him up.

The emails come from all over the financial range. Self-employed, unemployed, employed full time, employed part time.

Seems like they’re interested in my knowing what kind of car they have. Beamers, Mercedes, Vws, Fords, Chevys – well the whole range of auto manufacturers is fairly represented in my Inbox.

Almost all kinds of act ivies are represented too. Hiking, swimming, eating, biking, movies, reading, art galleries – well, you name it. I’ve probably been invited on more unique opportunities for a first “date” than any other man alive. One lady actually wanted to go to the arboretum to watch the flower bloom. What’s the big deal? This flower only blooms once a year. Sorry, hon. I’ve gone 54 years without watching “the” flower bloom – guess I can go one more year.

Spiritually? They’re all over the map also. Christian, Buddhist, Catholic, Mormons, agnostics, Wiccans, atheists and, well, you get the idea. And I’m not so hip on the ones that spend hours and hours talking to their “spiritual healer”. Get real lady – if a guy is gonna talk to you for hours and hours it’s not your spiritual healing that he’s interested in and if you honestly believe it is – well, look up naive in the dictionary.

So with all this attention – why am I still single? I guess I’m picky. But I’d like to meet a lady that enjoys hiking, looking through the galleries in Brevard, doesn’t mind staying out till 2am talking, actually enjoys PDAs and likes to set in the park watching the sunset and the moon and stars rise. A little canoodling would be nice too occasionally. Oh c’mon – get your mind out of the gutter. “Canoodle” is an old-fashioned word for cuddling. Sheesh.

She’ll also be in her 30s or 40s. Any younger and they seem to still be intent on “finding themselves” – whatever the hell that means. Older than that and they’re probably grandmothers. I don’t have any problem with grandmothers – I used to have a couple of them myself. But if I date a grandmother, that means I”m old enough to be a grandfather and well, I’m just not ready for that.

So if you’ll forgive me, I need to wrap this blog up and get back to daydreaming about the perfect lady for me. Who knows, she might be the next woman to walk through those doors.

Or not.

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